


From The Ashes

by FiresofAnarchy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Apologies, Arguing, Character Death, Complicated Relationships, Force Powers, Force Visions, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Multi, being heroes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:02:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22503709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiresofAnarchy/pseuds/FiresofAnarchy
Summary: A collection of one shots featuring various characters from Jedi Fallen Order.
Relationships: Cal Kestis & Merrin, Cal Kestis & Trilla Suduri | Second Sister, Cal Kestis/Trilla Suduri | Second Sister, Cere Junda & Anakin Skywalker | Darth Vader, Cere Junda & Cal Kestis, Cere Junda & Merrin, Cere Junda & Trilla Suduri | Second Sister, Merrin & Jaesa Willsaam, Merrin & Trilla Suduri | Second Sister, Trilla Suduri | Second Sister & Anakin Skywalker | Darth Vader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	1. The Fall Of An Inquisitor

**Author's Note:**

> Well I just finished this game and I gotta say it really surprised me. I was not expecting a Star Wars story this good. It's got a lot of the more morally grey Star Wars that I love in the books and games even if it does go a little too movie morality at the end. This game wasn't perfect, but it was a lot of fun and it had a lot of amazing character moments. You can probably expect some Caltrilla in the future since I started shipping them the moment she took her mask off. Also probably some stuff with Merrin since she was super interesting and I think the game really underutilized her. First though, I had to get this alternate ending off my chest because the ending we got really left a sour taste in my mouth. I was listening to Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional while writing this. I hope you like it.

Defeat.

The Second Sister was undefeated in lightsaber combat. Sure, Trilla Suduri had tasted defeat many times. Sparring sessions with older Padawans who were more than a match for her tenaciousness with just pure skill. Her Master had thrown her on her ass several times too, to teach her a lesson as it went. Of course her Master’s ultimate lesson had been to never trust anyone. The Empire came for her in numbers, probably because they knew exactly where to commit themselves. She had lost then too, and the consequences had been far more than just her pride. They killed the children right in front of her, children were of no use to the Empire. Rumors reached her later that Darth Vader himself had slaughtered an entire temple’s worth of children at the very beginning of the Purge. No, children were too much trouble and didn’t have a guaranteed reward built into keeping them alive. Her on the other hand, young though she was, offered them a great deal of a reward as long as they succeeded in breaking her. And break her they did.

The torture was endless and her torturers seemed to revel in finding new ways to inflict untold amounts of pain on her. Once she was Second Sister, an Inquisitor with Vader’s ear, she made sure that they paid dearly for what they had done. No one batted an eye when a few low ranking grunts vanished never to be seen again, the Empire was full of sadists just waiting to take their place. But the thing that pushed her over the edge more than anything else had been when they told her how they knew where to find her. Of course they didn’t just assume she’d take them at their word when they told her that her former Master had betrayed her. No, they had video evidence, and taunted her with it mercilessly. Cere betrayed her, treated her like nothing more than a pawn in a negotiation, to save her own skin. Everything the Jedi stood for, everything she had been taught, thrown away just like that. The blood of those children was on Cere’s hands. Her suffering was on Cere’s hands. After that the Dark Side felt like a comforting hug.

She retreated into the shell of the Second Sister and her mission. Jedi after Jedi met their end at the edge of her blade. The Dark Side had made her stronger than she had ever been as a Padawan. Defeat like she had suffered many times as Trilla Suduri was unknown to the Second Sister. But, that’s what Cal Kestis had been doing to her ever since he entered her life as just another target for her to hunt down and eliminate, making her feel like Trilla Suduri again. Something about him made her drop the shell, take off the helmet that shielded her from the world, even taunt him hoping to illicit a reaction rather than just go in for the kill. And so here she was, on her knees utterly defeated and at his mercy, the facade of the Second Sister looking like nothing more than a cheap gimmick. All of her failures, all of her insecurities were on full display for his perusal. It was only fitting that the backdrop for all of this be the same torture chamber where she had been broken down the first time.

Fear.

She didn’t fear Cal. She respected him as an opponent sure and she had no illusions that he wouldn’t kill her if he had to. But, utterly defeated and broken as she was in that moment, she knew that his honor and moral code wouldn’t let him strike her down while she was helpless. Cere, well she wasn’t sure if she could ever trust anything involving Cere again, but as long as Cal was there she knew that Cere wouldn’t try anything. In fact, they tried to talk her into coming with them rather than justifiably killing her as the monster that she was. Cere even apologized, the sincerity of which was difficult to gauge in Trilla’s mind, but at least it was something. No, the biggest fear she had when it came to them was the fear of the unknown. The fear that she didn’t actually know how to be “good” anymore. Then the breathing started and she felt a fear more intense than anything since the torture chamber.

As an Inquisitor you were granted a high rank in the Empire. Civilians feared you. Grunts stood at attention whenever they saw you. Even generals tugged at their collars in discomfort whenever you entered the room. It was an exhilarating feeling, being feared like that. But ultimately you were nothing more than a broken Jedi playing at being Sith and the moment you slipped up one man would make sure you regretted every second of it. Darth Vader was the Emperor’s insurance policy when it came to the Inquisitors, to make sure that they never got too independent. Any sign of insubordination and he would squash you like the insignificant bug that you were in comparison. That labored breathing, that slow gait, the dark feeling in the Force; it all served to remind you of your place, but at that point it was usually too late. It was more than too late for her.

“You have failed me Inquisitor,” he said it with such finality that she had no doubt what was coming next.

Pain.

She was used to pain. Whether it was as a child at the hands of her parents, while training to become a Jedi, or strapped to an Imperial torture chair. Pain was a near constant in her life. As an Inquisitor she had been taught to use that pain as a weapon. Any injury you suffered in battle was just more emotion to draw strength from. Memories of past pain were the same. You didn’t run from pain, you embraced it. The pain that ripped through her body as Vader’s lightsaber cut through muscle and bone with reckless abandon was something else entirely. She felt as if her entire body had almost been cut in two, which had likely been his intention, and the searing pain everywhere the lightsaber had touched was excruciating. The blow hadn’t killed her, though it was unlikely she would survive the blood loss either way, and that fact seemed to perplex Vader. Almost as an afterthought he moved to kick her off the platform. He wasn’t known for leaving things to chance and Cal was now advancing on him. Despite the resolve on the young Jedi’s face she knew that he would inevitably meet a similar fate.

Falling.

Falling, falling, falling. The air rushed by as she plummeted into the nothingness. The pain from her injuries was still ripping through her body at an almost constant rate and she found herself praying to whatever higher power would hear her to hit something and have it all be over with. Her mind drifted to Cal and Cere. Cere well, a part of her wanted Vader to kill her. Even after the apology and heart to heart that they had had, it hadn’t been enough to erase the memory of what happened. She didn’t think anything ever would. The part of her that still longed for revenge wanted her to suffer just as she had. The fact that those thoughts were still racing through her mind meant that a final embrace by the Light Side upon death was probably not forthcoming. Cal though, she hoped he got out of there. A painful death at the hands of Vader was exactly what she deserved after all she had done. He was better, better than she’d ever been if she was being honest with herself. He didn’t deserve that. The force of her body hitting the platform, enough to break her back, would have overwhelmed her with pain if her body wasn’t already swimming in sensation. The blow did knock her unconscious. She welcomed the inky blackness. Maybe it was finally over.

Confusion.

Logic dictates that she should have died there. A broken former Jedi, a broken former Inquisitor, a failure utterly and completely abandoned to rot on a platform in the bowels of the fortress that had made and unmade her in equal measure. She wasn’t the hero of anyone’s story, least of all her own. Her name did not deserve to be remembered by anyone. Cal was a hero, Cal was the one that deserved to survive and have his story be remembered for generations to come. She was nothing more than a footnote in his journey to discovering who he was. That platform was a fitting final resting place for someone as unwanted and unloved as she. Instead she found herself waking up in a medical bed on a ship she had never been on before with a strange woman looking at her inquisitively.

“You are a curious one Trilla Suduri,” the woman said. “So much darkness and rage inside of you, such a lust for revenge, and yet it hasn’t consumed you.”

“How do you know my name,” she asked confused.

“I know a lot of things,” the woman said cryptically. “I was once in the same place you are.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” a monster like her didn’t come along very often.

“You think yourself a monster,” the woman said as if reading her mind. “You’ve done unspeakable things in your quest for revenge against those who wronged you.”

“Yes,” there was no point in lying especially to this woman.

“We are the same,” the woman said.

“If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t be so quick to say that,” she countered.

“You are Trilla Suduri are you not,” the woman said. “We already established that I know your name.”

“Or do you think of yourself only as the Second Sister,” the woman continued.

“Not,” she stuttered. “Not anymore.”

“Good,” the woman smiled. “I would hate to have saved your life for nothing.”

“Cal and Cere’s emotional states both seem to be tied a significant amount to your wellbeing,” the woman continued. “And even if they won’t tell me why I could feel you too and I couldn’t just leave someone so much like me to that fate.” 

“I’m Merrin by the way,” she finally introduced herself.

“Your injuries were significant and Greez didn’t want me to treat you at first,” Merrin said standing up and checking the monitors that were hooked to the medical bed. “Cal and Cere stepped in, but I would have done it anyways, it has been too long since I’ve been able to heal a Sister.”

“Thank you,” it was all she could say.

“Rest now Trilla Suduri,” Merrin said. “You are safe.”

She was on the Mantis, the ship she had hunted from one end of the galaxy to the other for over a year. A pilot that didn’t trust her, the Master that had betrayed her, and the former Jedi that she had sworn to kill if it was the last thing she ever did were all within walking distance of her room. And yet somehow Merrin’s words rang the truest of any spoken to her in a long long time.


	2. Nar Shaddaa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. Honestly I'm not even sure what this chapter is. All I know is that I love Merrin and I love the idea of Merrin as an empath of sorts. Because honestly that makes so much sense with the little bit we get of her in the game. And I love Nar Shaddaa as a location, the perfect embodiment of everything I love about the morally grey Star Wars that exists in the books and games. So yeah, this one kind of got away from me at a certain point but I hope it's still enjoyable. I was listening to Let It Happen by Jimmy Eat World while writing this.

Nar Shaddaa was exhausting. That much Merrin was definitely sure of. So many people. So many people with bad intentions. Even the ones with good intentions still reeked of lust, greed, and selfishness of all stripes. She held onto Cal and Trilla’s energies like an anchor as they made their way through the crowds and towards the cantina that was their ultimate destination. As much as she tried to ignore it she knew that Cere didn’t completely trust her, it hurt when she felt that distrust radiating off of her even while she put on a friendly smile. She was an outsider and her powers didn’t fit into the Jedi’s standard definition of what constituted The Force. She understood being suspicious of outsiders, she had protected Dathomir from people who sought to exploit it for years. She had thought that saving Trilla’s life would help smooth things over, provide them all with a chance to heal together, but somehow that had only made the distrust grow. Maybe it had been the way she used her powers to heal her, she wasn’t quite sure, but it was all very confusing. If she allowed herself to become overwhelmed before they even talked to their contact she was sure it would not go over well. She just needed to keep pushing forward.

Their contact supposedly had information on a former Jedi who was now taking up with one of the many local gangs in order to play out some sort of god complex. Cere wasn’t about to just take the word of a random stranger so she was being sent in to get a gauge of their intentions. Apparently distrusting her didn’t extend to her powers. It made her feel like a tool more than a person, but if it helped get rid of a bad person she would do what she could. The story reminded her a lot of Taron Malicos. Everyone had the capacity for succumbing to a path of darkness given the right circumstances. But some like Taron, and this former Jedi it seemed, needed only a whiff of power before giving in completely to ego and greed. These were the ones who after they started down their path of darkness it was almost impossible to bring back. She had made the mistake of trusting Taron, trusting him over herself even while the feelings she was getting from him made her skin crawl, and she didn’t want to make that mistake again. That was the part about the feelings of distrust she was getting from Cere that scared her the most. What if she was just being manipulated and used by someone for their own goals again?

“We’re on the right level right,” Cal said as they stopped in the middle of a thoroughfare.

“Of course,” came Trilla’s reply.

“You know BD-1 can pull up a 3D map of the entire area,” Cal said. “Maybe he could help.”

“Are you implying I don’t know where we’re going,” Trilla said in mock offense.

“Absolutely not,” Cal said sheepishly.

“Good,” Trilla said satisfied. “We go left here.”

Their bickering was comforting. There was no real venom to it, just the playful needling of two people who felt completely comfortable with each other. She’d never really had friends before. She’d been only a small child when her Sisters were killed and then she’d been alone with nobody but Taron and the Nightbrothers for company. Cal and Trilla though, she felt confident saying that they were her friends now. They were both so genuine with their affection, unable to hide anything when they really cared about someone. And even if things with Cere were still a question mark she took comfort in knowing that when she felt how much Cal and Trilla cared about her, and how much they cared about each other for that matter, it was real.

“That’s the place,” Trilla said pointing at an unassuming doorway on the other side of the walkway.

“Doesn’t look particularly inviting,” Cal said.

“It isn’t,” she tried to keep the strain out of her voice.

“Merrin,” Cal said, concern lacing his voice. “You’re shaking.”

“We don’t have to go in there if you don’t want to,” there was Trilla laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.

She didn’t want to, the dark feelings she was getting even from this far away were nauseating. Something truly awful was happening in that place.

“I will be fine,” she said instead.

“Merrin,” Cal repeated her name. “Really you don’t have to, I know what it’s like.”

“No,” she said through gritted teeth; the feeling came again, stronger this time. “They need us.”

With that she disappeared in a cloud of green energy.

“Dammit,” Cal said as he stood staring at where Merrin had just been.

“Looks like we’re going in after her,” Trilla said unsheathing her lightsaber.

Before he could even respond she was on her way towards the door.

“So much for keeping a low profile,” he moved to follow her before she did something stupid.

He wasn’t fast enough.

“Do you know what this is,” she said sitting her lightsaber down on top of the bar.

“Is that supposed to scare me,” the bartender continued wiping the glass he had been as if nothing had even happened. “I’ve killed Jedi before.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not a Jedi then,” she said. “Now, I don’t know what you’re hiding here, I honestly don’t care, but you’re going to take me to where you’re hiding it right now.”

“2,000 credits to whoever kills the Jedi,” the bartender shouted over her shoulder. “And free drinks for a month.”

Cal looked around. Yeah that was a lot of unsavory characters drawing weapons. And it looked like their contact was among them. That was just the icing on the cake at this point really.

A sinister laugh escaped Trilla in that moment and Cal was instantly transported back to their earliest encounters.

“This is going to be fun,” in an instant her lightsaber was back in her hand, ignited, and slicing through the bartender’s arm.

Cal drew his own weapon with a sigh and prepared to defend himself from the coming onslaught. He hoped Merrin was faring better, wherever she was.

Cold air, dripping water, musty smell; there was no doubt in Merrin’s mind that she found herself in a basement. The dark feelings that she had been feeling outside were tenfold now and she struggled to maintain herself enough not to just collapse then and there. She could also feel who she had felt faintly outside very strongly now. Whoever it was they needed her and she wasn’t about to just abandon them to their fate. This place was the perfect place to trap someone, so many indistinguishable passageways that even if someone managed to escape whatever horrors were being inflicted on them it would be almost impossible for them to find the way out. If she didn’t have her powers she’d be just as hopeless. She latched onto those feelings that had drawn her here in the first place and made her way through the dark hallways and narrow corridors with a purpose.

The fight was over in a matter of minutes. A bar full of unsavory individuals bent on killing them, motivated as they were, stood no chance against two trained Force users. Their contact was among the dead and Cal supposed that that was all moot at this point. He just needed to stop Trilla from killing the bartender too so that they could actually find Merrin.

“Where is it,” Trilla had her lightsaber pointed at his throat. “I swear if something happens to her because you stalled me you will wish I had just killed you right now.”

“Show me,” the look in her eyes was feral.

“Trilla,” Cal said laying a hand on her shoulder. “That’s enough.”

She seemed to come back to herself a little bit then. A confused and scared look around the bar at the destruction they had wreaked told him that she was mentally berating herself though.

He put his arms around her waist and pulled her in close, not caring where they were.

“I know,” he whispered in her ear.

“It was self defense,” he continued. “They were trying to kill us.”

“I started it,” her voice was even smaller than his. “I lost control.”

“Maybe a little bit,” he said rubbing his hands up and down her midsection. “But we all get a little bit out of control when our friends are in danger.”

A whimper escaped her lips at that, but he could feel her calming down.

“Now, put the lightsaber away and let me work this guy over,” he kissed the nape of her neck.

A small nod and the familiar sound of a lightsaber being deactivated was her only response.

“You two make me sick,” with his one good arm the bartender threw the rag he had been cleaning the glass with right at them.

Cal caught it but his cocky smirk was wiped away in an instant as an echo washed over him.

“100 credits and I can have something brought in special for you,” that was the bartender’s voice. “Or if you like I can just show you our selection right now.”

“Show me,” a dark voice he didn’t recognize.

“Right this way,” the bartender said. “We keep them in the basement to avoid any unpleasantness should someone get any illusions about playing hero.”

“I know where to find Merrin,” he said after finally coming out of it.

The door to the basement was unassuming and grey, a stark contrast to the horrors that it contained.

“This a labyrinth,” Trilla said as soon as they got into the bowels of the place. “Merrin could be anywhere down here.”

“The Force will guide us,” he said. “I can feel her up ahead.”

Trilla stopped for a moment, closing her eyes, as if she was trying to feel what he was feeling.

“She’s in pain,” Trilla said before shooting off down the corridor at a brisk pace.

Figuring that warning about potential traps would be fruitless at this point he followed after her.

The scene before them when they eventually reached their destination was a dark one. It confirmed everything that he had been fearing they would find. There was a row of cells, all occupied, along one wall. The occupants of those cells were all in various states of neglect. There were bloody tables in the middle with plenty of nasty looking instruments on top of them. Several bodies, most likely previous occupants of the cells, were hung on chains throughout the room too. And of course there was Merrin, in the center of it all curled up in the fetal position shaking. Trilla was already at her side before he had even taken in the whole scene.

“Merrin, Merrin,” there was no response.

“It’s okay,” Trilla picked her up bridal style. “You did good.”

“You take care of them,” she motioned to the cages. “I’m getting her out of here.”

“Of course,” he said.

With that they made an unceremonious exit.

He moved to the cells and made short work of their locks with the Force. Their occupants stared up at him wide-eyed. They were still scared, probably assuming he was there to continue whatever deviousness had already been perpetrated against them. He tried to make himself appear as unthreatening as possible.

“Um, hi,” yeah this was awkward. “I’m Cal.”

“You’re safe,” he continued. “If you follow me I can show you how to get out of here.”

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say as they slinked back further into their prisons.

“Um right, that probably sounds like a trick,” he said rubbing the back of his neck. “Well how about this, I leave now and leave you a trail to follow then you can leave when you’re ready.”

“And here,” he threw a couple of credit chips on the floor. “That’s about 1,000 credits, it’s not much but it should be enough for you all to get cleaned up and book passage out of here.”

“I hope your future days are better than your past ones,” he said as he turned to leave. “May the force be with you.”

He ignited his lightsaber, pointed it towards the ground, and prepared to make the trail for them to follow. He was more than ready to get out of this place. Even without touching anything the dark energy radiating off of everything was enough to make him lightheaded. He could only imagine what Merrin was going through.

Unfortunately, things back on the Mantis were not the reprieve he was looking for.

“You can’t go gallivanting off on your own every time you think someone might need your help,” Cere was directing this critique at Merrin, who still didn’t look fully recovered from the ordeal.

“People did need her help,” Trilla countered.

“Don’t even start with me,” Cere shut her down. “Charging in half cocked, starting a bar fight, leaving a trail of bodies a mile long including that of our contact.”

“Should I have just left her to die then,” Trilla’s tone was biting. “That’s what you would have done isn’t it.”

“You should have thought,” she took a moment to collect herself. “All of you.”

“They were taken from their homes; starved, tortured, and raped,” Merrin spoke up. “And when a client came along looking for something a little more they were released into that maze of a basement and hunted mercilessly.”

“Then, once their suffering was finally over, their bodies were hung from the ceiling so that their fellow prisoners would know what awaited them and be even easier to break down,” she continued. “And I felt every ounce of their fear and pain like hammer blow after hammer blow against my mind before we even walked in the door.”

“Now maybe you could have ignored that and went about your day like nothing happened,” she stood up now. “You did throw your young Padawan and her even younger charges to the Empire’s wolves just so you could save your own skin so maybe this would have been just another walk in the park for you.”

“But I couldn’t leave them,” she was inches away from Cere’s face at this point. “And I know that you don’t trust me, even after I brought said Padawan back to you and gave you a chance to right your wrongs, but don’t you dare tell me I should have left those people to their fate just so we could chase yet another former member of your godsforsaken order who decided greed and power were more attractive than justice and mercy.”

“Because it seems to me like former Jedi are the ones undeserving of trust not me,” and with that she turned and walked to her quarters, shutting the door forcefully.

Trilla was close behind her.

Another sigh escaped Cal at that moment.

“What a day,” he said mostly to himself.

The look on Cere’s face when she turned to acknowledge him was one of shock, confusion, sadness, and fear. Not a trace of anger to be found.

He needed to meditate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just gotta say that writing Merrin's blow up at the end there was very therapeutic for me. Like I don't hate Cere or anything, Merrin kind of does right now but that's beside the point. Just the act itself though, getting all those bottled up emotions out really felt good. And Merrin feels good getting that off her chest too so all around it was just a good time for everyone. Well except for Cere. And Cal. Probably Greez too since he most likely has no clue where all of this conflict came from and just wants to water his plants. Anyways I hope you liked it, even if things were a little bit more contentious than they are in the game.


	3. One's Own Path

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny how at one point in time I could hardly get fics over 1000 words and now I've got something pushing 3000. Honestly I'm not in a good mental place to give this thing a full editing looking over. I've been lacking motivation since the end of March and now there's some work bullshit going on and I can't even get away from it because of this freaking quarantine. Anyways, yeah, I may give this a further reading over at a later date but I just had to get it out there. A little darker than anticipated. I was listening to Deep Inside Of You by Third Eye Blind while writing this.

Now.

“Master Junda,” the voice of Darth Vader was enough to make even the strongest Force users shake. “Tell me where they are.”

It was a situation all too familiar to her, Vader asking her the location of her allies. When he had pressed her on it all those years ago she had eventually broken, given up Trilla and the children. Trilla was turned into a monster. The children were slaughtered. And to her everlasting shame it had all been her fault. It was the cruelest deja vu.

She put on what she hoped was a convincingly defiant look, “You of all people should know I never reached the rank of Master, Skywalker.”

“Yes,” he said coldly. “And yet still you play at being one now.”

“Where are they,” he demanded. “We both know you’ll break eventually.”

“Not this time,” she hoped that sounded confident.

“We shall see,” he turned to the Purge Trooper next to him. “Kill them all, starting with the Latero.”

“Wait,” she cried out before the cold constriction of a Force choke sank in.

One Week Ago.

Merrin stood anxiously outside the door to Cere’s quarters. She wasn’t used to apologizing, years living alone didn’t give her much opportunity, but after what happened between her and Cere she felt like they needed to talk things out. She hesitantly knocked on the door. “Come in” sounded from the other side after a few moments. She grabbed the handle of the door, slid it open, and crossed the threshold.

“Merrin,” Cere said as soon as she had slid the door closed again. “This is unexpected.”

She fidgeted under the older woman’s gaze, “I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier.”

“No matter what I was feeling I had no right to throw what happened with Trilla in your face like that,” she continued. “I was out of line.”

“I understand if you don’t want me around anymore,” she went on. “I’ve spent too much time alone; I suck at people.”

“Merrin,” Cere stopped her before she could continue rambling. “Apology accepted, but really you don’t have to keep beating yourself up over it.”

“You were angry and you lashed out,” she continued. “We all do things we regret when we’re angry, that doesn’t mean you suck at people.”

“The important thing to remember is to not let that anger consume you because that can lead to some very dark places,” Merrin nodded at this. “You’re here now apologizing, that says a lot.”

“Now, in the middle of all that out there you said you know I don’t trust you,” Merrin’s cheeks reddened and she cast her eyes downward. “Do you want to tell me more about that?”

“My powers, as you already know I can sense emotions from people and sometimes even their intentions,” she explained. “I always sensed hesitation and distrust from you, even after I saved Trilla.”

“And the way that despite those misgivings you still sent me on that mission on Nar Shaddaa kind of made me feel like I was being used like a tool, used the way Taron used me,” she continued. “But Cal respects you a lot and you and Trilla have your own complicated history so I didn’t feel like it was my place to voice these doubts.”

“Merrin, look at me,” her eyes shot up. “Your powers are special, they may not be how the Force usually manifests itself but they’re still a gift.”

“And trusting your instincts is always good, especially when those instincts are informed by something as magnificent as that” Cere continued. “But even then you shouldn’t let your powers control you.”

“Because of what happened to me I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever completely trust any situation ever again, I’m sitting here right now with the sick feeling that I know this thing we have going right now on the Mantis is all going to come crashing down eventually,” she continued. “I need you to believe me when I say those feelings had nothing to do with you personally.

Merrin nodded her head, “And I have my own shit to apologize for so we might as well get that out of the way right now.”

“I let my own fears get the better of me and you suffered the brunt of it,” she said. “I do still think all three of you should be more careful even when we’re not in Imperial territory, but that was no reason for me to talk to you the way I did.”

“You survived by yourself on Dathomir for twenty years and you never asked to be my charge,” she continued. “You don’t need me treating you like a child so I’m sorry if I made you feel like that’s how I saw you because it isn’t.”

“You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met,” she finished.

“I could say the same about you,” Merrin said. “Can I hug you?”

“If that’s what you want,” Cere didn’t look thrilled at the idea despite her words.

“Thank you,” Merrin said as she wrapped the older woman into an embrace.

Now.

Cold, so cold. It was all Merrin could think about as she laid in the snow. Dathomir often had nights where the temperatures dropped below freezing and if one found themselves caught unaware without means or ability to make a fire the chances of survival until morning were very low. Merrin had both means and ability right now, her clothing if nothing else could serve as good kindling and there was a patch of forest nearby that almost certainly held all manner of tinder. Ilum wasn’t like Dathomir though. This wasn’t a place where you could just light a fire and wait for the heat of the desert sun to come in the morning. No, Ilum was just cold, the kind of cold that seeped deep into your bones until long after you had taken a hot shower and were laying in your own bed again. She was supposed to be clearing her mind right now though so she pushed any thoughts of hot showers, an amenity she was still infinitely astonished by, into the background. Ilum was an old planet humming with energy and while the old Jedi temple was the place most people who came here went to seek their purpose it was not the place for her, she needed to be out here.

One Week Ago.

Cal wasn’t sure what to expect when Cere called them all to a crew meeting this morning. He assumed it had something to do with what happened during and after the mission on Nar Shaddaa but beyond that he was clueless. He had tried talking to Cere, Trilla, and Merrin after a quick meditation session that day but none of them had been interested. Cere still had that same haunted expression on her face hours later, Merrin wasn’t answering her door, and Trilla, well Trilla just wanted sex. Needless to say “We’ve all earned a little time away from each other” had not been it though.

“Things have been tense around here the last few days,” Cere continued as he stared dumbfounded. “And some of our issues aren’t ones that can be solved in a day but what’s currently boiling over can definitely be simmered down.”

“We’re going to Tatooine,” Cere continued. “Greez and I will be meeting with some contacts there, but the rest of you will continue on your way to Ilum.”

“Tatooine alone,” Cal finally spoke up. “Are you sure that’s wise?”

“It’s certainly wiser than returning to Nar Shaddaa so soon,” she countered. “And our contacts in the core systems are almost entirely off limits.”

“We shouldn’t split up,” he tried. “Not with Vader himself after us.”

“The people we are going to meet are very armed,” she said. “And if Vader finds us, well it’ll already be too late.”

“Merrin needs to go to Ilum to get a better understanding of her connection to the Force and we need to figure out another job since the contact for the last one is a little too dead now,” she continued. “And we all need a little time away from each other right now so we’re killing two birds with one stone.”

There was no arguing, especially given how Trilla and Merrin were reacting though he could tell Greez was about as thrilled with this plan as he was, but Cal had a bad feeling about this.

Now, Tatooine.

“Pathetic,” Cere wasn’t sure if Vader’s proclamation was directed at her or the mass of dead bodies all around the room but she couldn’t stop shaking long enough to care.

They were all dead. Greez was dead. Her Mandalorian contact was dead. Everyone in the cantina was dead except her and the Imperials now.

“Now,” Vader picked her up by her shirt collar. “Tell me what I want to know.”

“Fuck you,” she stammered.

“Round up the townspeople,” he directed this at the same Purge Trooper as before. “Bring them here and kill them.”

“No,” she tried but was again cut off by a Force choke.

“The whole town my Lord,” the trooper questioned, seemingly ignoring her.

Vader sliced him down like he was swatting a fly.

“I’ll raze this town to the ground when this is over,” he said. “Who wants to join him?”

The other troopers rushed outside.

Ilum.

Merrin focused on her breathing; in, out, in, out. A chill ran down her spine involuntarily and she fought to ignore it. Cold as it was, this whole experience was actually rather peaceful, just her and the nature that stretched for miles and miles. It reminded her of the nights she had spent staring up at the stars on Dathomir. She had never expected to actually make it to any of them, but they provided a place for her imagination to run wild. Maybe some of her Sisters were still alive out there. Maybe the person that had killed them was being brought to justice. Maybe someone out there was looking for her too. She never let herself go too far with those fantasies, false hope was a dangerous thing. But the act itself, laying out in nature and thinking about life’s infinite possibilities, had been comforting. Still, she had come here for a more important purpose and she worked to clear her mind again. She felt the Force all around her, for years she had thought it an energy tied specifically to Dathomir, but now she knew differently.

“Another conflicted soul comes to the land of ancient Jedi seeking answers,” a voice suddenly broke through everything and commanded her attention. “Or is it this planet’s newer residents that more aptly garner your attention?”

“It matters not,” the voice continued. “Jedi, Sith; Light, Dark; Republic, which Republic even, Empire, which Empire even.”

“At a certain point it’s all just semantics for the politicians and philosophers to argue about ad nauseum,” she still couldn’t gage where the voice was coming from though it was unmistakably feminine. “And people lie, betray each other at a near constant rate, so what’s the point of getting hung up on hard definitions anyways.

“But it’s not quite that way for you is it Nightsister,” she found herself nodding involuntarily. “You see people’s true intentions, the things they manage to hide from the rest of the world.”

“It’s not a gift the Force bestows often, it’s not a gift the Jedi or Sith have ever fully understood or accepted,” the voice was closer now, as if right next to her. “But it is a gift Merrin, don’t ever forget that.”

“Who are you,” she found herself asking.

“A reasonable question,” suddenly there was a form in front of her; long brown hair, piercing eyes, flowing black robes. “In life I was known as Jaesa Willsaam.”

“Jedi Padawan, Sith Apprentice,” she continued. “I was both and yet ended up neither.”

“The important thing is that you and I have the same gift,” this caught Merrin’s attention.

“So you’re here to offer guidance,” that seemed obvious.

“In a sense though I prefer to think of it as advice,” Jaesa said. “Guidance implies too much that you actually have to follow what I tell you.”

“Which for now is don’t let yourself get boxed into false dichotomies like the ones I mentioned before,” she continued. “You’ve already found some true friends, people you trust, and those are hard to come by.”

“Lean into them and don’t let them go,” the figure was fading away. “But everyone else, they all lie in equal measure so don’t give them a chance to fool you.”

“Always be on your guard,” and with that she was gone.

Merrin wasn’t sure what to make of the whole interaction if she was being honest with herself. This Jaesa, whoever she was, seemed far more jaded about the world than she wanted to be. Still, her advice did ring true. “Former Jedi are the ones undeserving of trust” had been her exact words to Cere after all. She had a lot to think about. Her most pressing thought right now though was that she was finally going to get out of this cold and into that hot shower. She began her way back towards the Mantis.

Tatooine.

So many bodies. So much death. And still Vader wasn’t satisfied.

“Master Junda,” Vader’s voice hardly registered anymore. “I think it’s time we stop playing games with each other.”

“You’re a monster,” she managed to get out.

“We are both what the Jedi made us,” he said. “And their deaths are on your hands.”

“All you had to do was give up the location of your little band of wannabe revolutionaries and this could have all been avoided,” he continued. “You seemed to understand that better last time.”

“Last time,” she said through gritted teeth. “You still killed everyone who wasn’t immediately useful to you.”

“Ah I see now,” he said. “You’ve sure picked a strange form of atonement Master Junda.”

“All those innocent people died because you can’t live with your own decisions,” he mocked. “Who will it be the next time you decide to arbitrarily right one of your past wrongs?”

“That Latero trusted you and you offered him up like a lamb to the slaughter,” he was relentless. “All to satisfy your own conscience and perverse moral code.”

“You really are a Sith,” the dam broke and her tears started flowing freely.

“Just kill me,” she practically begged.

“And bring them to me, hmm,” he pondered. “They would never leave my trail again would they.”

“An interesting solution to our current dilemma Master Junda,” he said. “I like it.”

It was one last act of defiance. At least this way no more innocent people would be dead because of her. Cal, Trilla, and Merrin would all have time to prepare; they wouldn’t immediately be on the defensive. Vader was still a tall task even for all three of them, but it was the best of a bad situation. It was the best option now, her only regret was that she couldn’t convince him before he killed everyone else. It should have been her instead of Trilla. It should have been her instead of those children. It should have been her instead of Greez. It should have been her instead of those townspeople. At least now it finally was her. The killing blow came swiftly. She felt the embrace of the Force as her life left her body. Would it ultimately be the Light or the Dark that claimed her? Was there even such a clear divide for a person such as her? Either way, it was going to be better than wherever that bastard ended up and she could at least take some peace in that.

“Wipe the village from the map,” Vader said to a Purge Trooper. “Leave no evidence that we were here.”

“Right away my Lord,” the trooper saluted.

Ilum.

It had been a pretty normal day so far. Merrin had set out in the early morning to do whatever she was doing to understand her place in the Force better. He and Trilla had trained together and then had sex, which were two things that he was beginning to notice always went together with Trilla. Stew was their dinner and Cal had playfully chastised Trilla when she put her feet on the table. She made a show of picking them up and putting them back down again. All in all it had actually been a pretty good day at least by their standards. Merrin came back from her excursion looking deep in thought but ultimately seemed pleased with whatever she had found out there. It was late at night, while Merrin was taking a shower and he was just preparing for his evening meditations, that he felt it. A disturbance in the Force the like of which he hadn’t felt since his Master died. A brief glance at Trilla told him she had felt it too.

Deep down he already had an idea of what they would find there but that didn’t stop him from saying, “We need to get to Tatooine now.”

“Cal,” Trilla looked stuck in place. “You don’t think.”

“I don’t think anything,” he was more forceful than he had intended. “Just get us there Trilla.”

“Of course,” she looked hurt but moved towards the cockpit anyways.

He really really hoped that he was wrong. Deep down he knew he wouldn’t be. Cere was dead and it was all his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a lot wasn't it. So my writing process for this was really all over the place. I started with the Merrin part of this, that initial scene about the cold was actually the first thing I wrote for this all the way back right after I finished the last chapter. And then this whole thing just sort of sat idle until May 4th. All the Star Wars love convinced me to start looking at writing more of this out. Still I wasn't particularly motivated so I didn't get much further. Then AmikoRoyAi on Twitter, one of the people keeping this fandom afloat in general to be honest, posted some of the most beautiful Caltrilla art I've ever seen and while this fic doesn't have much to do with them I was inspired. And in the middle of writing more of the Merrin stuff I got the idea for the Cere stuff. By the end of that night I had 1500 words. And then I finally got back into playing TOR, which is a great game that you should play if you never have. Like honestly I don't even like MMOs and the RPG elements of that game keep me coming back. Anyways I was playing through my Sith Warrior character trying to actually get to the point of meeting Jaesa for the first time and I did. And that's when I realized her abilities are so much like what I picture Merrin's being. Plus I just love her character, I loved it before I even actually met her in the game myself. So that's where that part of the story came from, well that and my general love for Grey Jedi. By that point it was just adding some finishing touches and here we are. My longest fic ever. I hope you all liked it.


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